Lookin' for love...
..... in all the wrong places.
Just like the song, our Miss Sofia has that tendency.
When we were first home, I had the twins at the Dr and while I was holding Celia and they were digging around her arm looking for a vein as she was screaming and kicking, the office manager walked in the room to see if she could help. Without asking, she picked up Sofia out of her stroller, and much to my dismay, Sofia leaned in and KISSED a total stranger.
That was our first clue that she has attention getting issues.
Just like the song, our Miss Sofia has that tendency.
When we were first home, I had the twins at the Dr and while I was holding Celia and they were digging around her arm looking for a vein as she was screaming and kicking, the office manager walked in the room to see if she could help. Without asking, she picked up Sofia out of her stroller, and much to my dismay, Sofia leaned in and KISSED a total stranger.
That was our first clue that she has attention getting issues.
And a wake up call.
You see, in an orphanage with too many children and too little caregivers, the kids have to do whatever it takes to get attention if they want it. Some give up entirely and shut down, and some (like S) try to win the attention by being cutesy, others cry and whine.
This was ingrained in her for 26 months of life. "If I want attention, I have to be fake and manipulate to get it."
Because of this, we have asked family and friends to ignore her so that she is getting her emotional needs met through her Mommy and Daddy.
This is important for Sofia and I can't stress it enough. She needs to be secure in the fact that A) We are her parents B) We love and care for her in a way that no one else can and C) That she doesn't need to manipulate us to get attention or affection.
It is a process and it was going really well until recently.
I have NO problem telling total strangers not to interact with the twins, but friends and family is hard for me.....
I let my guard down.
I feel guilty because I just KNOW that others think attachment parenting is crazy and I should share my twins, or just plain ol' want my friends and family to love on my kids too.
It is NOT in the best interest of Sofia right now. It doesn't matter if you agree with me, if you think it's psyco-babble, or if you think we are being horrible parents. Let me assure you, we aren't.
We are well-versed in attachment issues, parenting an adopted child (which IS different in certain ways) and we know what the worst case scenarios are for kids whose parents chose to ignore the clear signs of attachment issues. If you ignore it, IT DOES NOT GO AWAY.
You see, in an orphanage with too many children and too little caregivers, the kids have to do whatever it takes to get attention if they want it. Some give up entirely and shut down, and some (like S) try to win the attention by being cutesy, others cry and whine.
This was ingrained in her for 26 months of life. "If I want attention, I have to be fake and manipulate to get it."
Because of this, we have asked family and friends to ignore her so that she is getting her emotional needs met through her Mommy and Daddy.
This is important for Sofia and I can't stress it enough. She needs to be secure in the fact that A) We are her parents B) We love and care for her in a way that no one else can and C) That she doesn't need to manipulate us to get attention or affection.
It is a process and it was going really well until recently.
I have NO problem telling total strangers not to interact with the twins, but friends and family is hard for me.....
I let my guard down.
I feel guilty because I just KNOW that others think attachment parenting is crazy and I should share my twins, or just plain ol' want my friends and family to love on my kids too.
It is NOT in the best interest of Sofia right now. It doesn't matter if you agree with me, if you think it's psyco-babble, or if you think we are being horrible parents. Let me assure you, we aren't.
We are well-versed in attachment issues, parenting an adopted child (which IS different in certain ways) and we know what the worst case scenarios are for kids whose parents chose to ignore the clear signs of attachment issues. If you ignore it, IT DOES NOT GO AWAY.
It escalates.
If you are a friend or family or will have an opportunity to interact with the twins, please don't right now.
Because of some overly friendly people in our lives recently, Sofia has taken a step backward.
So.....
Please don't grab her hand.
Smile at her and get her to smile back.
Make eye contact with her.
Talk to her twin next to her in the stroller and get her to feel jealous and try all the harder for you to respond to her.
Tickle her tummy.
Talk to her.
And if you think I will tell you if you cross the line, I AM.
Right now. Before it happens again.
Please, please HELP US help our girl. We have to re-enforce over and over and over and over with her that we are the ones she gets her needs met through. She will get it.... eventually.
You may not see the signs, but as her Momma, I do:
She seems friendly- but she is flirting with you. She would probably grab your hand and walk away and not look back if I gave her the opportunity. I am structuring her world right now so she doesn't get that opportunity.
She seems happy- but she can't control her emotions so she will DO ANYTHING to illicit a response from you:
Please ignore her. I will re-direct her back to ME.
It isn't forever, but it is for right now. We are building a strong foundation for Miss Sofia and teaching her that she doesn't need to manipulate to get love and attention.
But until she stops seeking out everyone's affections (and getting it), we cannot let her interact with others. It wouldn't be serving our girl and her best interests.
If you are wondering.... I am talking to you.
If you think you may have crossed the line inadvertently, it's okay, just help us now.
If you are family....
If you see us weekly at Timothy/Living Science....
If we get together for coffee, lunch, playdates, church activities...
If you are a friend or family or will have an opportunity to interact with the twins, please don't right now.
Because of some overly friendly people in our lives recently, Sofia has taken a step backward.
So.....
Please don't grab her hand.
Smile at her and get her to smile back.
Make eye contact with her.
Talk to her twin next to her in the stroller and get her to feel jealous and try all the harder for you to respond to her.
Tickle her tummy.
Talk to her.
And if you think I will tell you if you cross the line, I AM.
Right now. Before it happens again.
Please, please HELP US help our girl. We have to re-enforce over and over and over and over with her that we are the ones she gets her needs met through. She will get it.... eventually.
You may not see the signs, but as her Momma, I do:
She seems friendly- but she is flirting with you. She would probably grab your hand and walk away and not look back if I gave her the opportunity. I am structuring her world right now so she doesn't get that opportunity.
She seems happy- but she can't control her emotions so she will DO ANYTHING to illicit a response from you:
She will make THE CUTEST faces.
She will dance for you.
Saunter up to you and act coy.
Pout.
Tantrum.
Laugh or giggle hysterically at nothing.
Wave.
Blow kisses.
Reach out for you.
Please ignore her. I will re-direct her back to ME.
It isn't forever, but it is for right now. We are building a strong foundation for Miss Sofia and teaching her that she doesn't need to manipulate to get love and attention.
But until she stops seeking out everyone's affections (and getting it), we cannot let her interact with others. It wouldn't be serving our girl and her best interests.
If you are wondering.... I am talking to you.
If you think you may have crossed the line inadvertently, it's okay, just help us now.
If you are family....
If you see us weekly at Timothy/Living Science....
If we get together for coffee, lunch, playdates, church activities...
I am asking you to help us help our girl by ignoring her completely.
(And Celia if she is next to her in the stroller- nothing says "Game ON" to Sofia like giving her twin the attention she craves.)
And for those of you who "get it" and have been there and done exactly what we've asked-
THANK YOU.
For those who don't "get it" but trust our judgement anyway-
THANK YOU.
And for those who think this is all psyco-babble and we are crazy-
I'm good with that......
......As long as you ignore our girl. :)
And for those of you who "get it" and have been there and done exactly what we've asked-
THANK YOU.
For those who don't "get it" but trust our judgement anyway-
THANK YOU.
And for those who think this is all psyco-babble and we are crazy-
I'm good with that......
......As long as you ignore our girl. :)
**Please know that I understand this post comes off as very direct- and I am not trying to offend our friends and family, I just am at my wits end trying to make everyone understand where we are now and where we need to be. I know you all LOVE us and our new baby girls and want to interact with them, so your intentions are bathed in LOVE for us.
Thanks so much for re-directing all that lovin' to Aria and Gianna for the time being.
XOXOXO
Proud of you....it's hard to tell people to ignore your child but it is completely necessary. My parents thought we were crazy to ask the same thing so at a party I told my mother to watch our daughter for a few minutes...I let our daughter get off my lap and I turned my head away from her...within a few seconds she was "performing" for the other adults. My mother said that she was just outgoing and I said "just watch". Within a few more minutes her performing turned more intense for whoever gave her attention...then you could see she was making sure she had a few people willing to take her home in case we decided we didn't want her. It was sad to watch but so necessary for my parents to see...I finally asked my mother if she thought our daughter was still only outgoing or could it be something more...they did finally "see" what attachment disorder was. Stick to it and don't worry about offending people...our rule of "not talking to any adult without our permission" was in place for many years and when people would ask them a question and they'd look at us to see if they could answer...well let's just say people thought we were nuts :o) Miss ya, Denise
ReplyDeleteI have followed your blog since comming across it on RQ. Well done for taking the stand you have and being brave enough to spell it out! I know from personal experience (have adopted 3 kids) how hard it can be to have to tell very well meaning friends and family to ignore the child they just want to love. But you are right and you need to nip this in the bud. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteWell, I have to admit that this is one of the hardest things I have ever read....BUT because we love you and trust you to know what you are doing, we will honor your wishes. I know in my heart that this was a hard for you to write as it was for us to read, but the important thing is that you know what you are dealing with and you know what you have to do. Our greatest desire is for all the girls to grow into God-fearing, loving young women and to be secure in their world. If that means that for a period of time (to be determined by you and Greg) we have to do the hard thing, then that is what we will do. Know that we understand the reasoning behind your decision and we respect the strong character that it took to make that decision. We love you ALL and will do whatever you ask in order to help Sofia understand what her place is in the family. All we ask is to be kept aware of what is best for her and all of you. Love Always,
ReplyDeleteI am sure that was very difficult for you to write. But I know you're doing the best thing. I hope that I have not overstepped but if I have, I am sorry. We are just learning about these attachment issues. I went to a seminar at the adoptive moms retreat this past weekend, and honestly it freaked me out a bit. It was specifically on adopting sibling groups and older kids. And in the adoption world, as you know, anything over 12 months is considered older. It didn't freak me out as in I don't want to do it, but it was an eye-opener for me for sure. This is a very difficult road you're walking. And I really appreciate your honesty. Those of us who haven't walked it, need to hear this. And especially those of us about to get on the roller coaster. I hope we can get together sometime and catch up.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, it is counter-intuitive to ignore a child. I'm just exploring adoption and learning about attachment parenting. It is really good to hear a concrete and meaningful example of how to facilitate this necessary developmental step. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteCristy, Was a powerful posting, as I read it, I can relate to it with Erin, eventhough we weren't able to do what you are doing because of her age, I can see what some of Sofia behaviors in what Erin does. With family and friends, a lot of ours that never been in adoption, didn't understand a lot of what we were doing and why we made the decisions we did. you are a remarkable mom and we all know how we teach our children when they are young will affect them when they are older. Good job and hope it won't last to long for Sofia to really understand what it is like to have unconditional love from you and Greg.
ReplyDeleteCristy,
ReplyDeleteWe will follow your recommendations, thank you for sharing.....if there is any thing we can do to help you guys out, please let us know. You all are welcome for a playdate any time. Or if you need me to keep the older girls while you go to PT. We have a large finished basement the girls can play inside with lots of room! Kristi Henderson (Anna Faith's mom) ( Living Science Friday mornings class)
(((Hugs))) to you Cristy.... and not to Celia. ;-) You did a great job writing this post.... love to you guys!
ReplyDeleteCristy,
ReplyDeleteWe will be adopting a 3.5 yr old this summer and after reading your post I realized that we need to be prepared more than we are regarding our interaction with our daughter and the interaction of others with her. Is there a book that talks specifics on this "attention getting" behavior and the tools we need to try and get this part right. We will have many friends and family waiting eagerly for our Luci to get home and they all will want to shower her with love and attention. I see that I need to get educated in this area quickly! If you have any recommended reading material please let me know. Reading your blog adn following your family's journey is so helpful to us as we go for our first China baby - thank you!!!
Tara & brian Newton
taralee815@hotmail.com